By Kemi Olokode-Ayelabola
As a mother and also as a behavioral, developmental and child/young persons care professional, I can affirmatively say being a parent is emotionally challenging. It’s also a huge responsibility that requires patience, consistency, love, learning, active listening, respect, trust, understanding and attention.
We all have days when we worry about our parenting choices. For the responsible parents, we love our children so much, and of course it’s natural to only want the best for them. Remember that you’re learning as you go, and every day is a chance to start fresh. With the right resources, requisite skills and with patience for our children and ourselves, we can all choose the parent we want to be, whilst also putting into cognizance what the society stands to positively benefit from the kind of children we raise, groom or mentor.
Meanwhile, while I dig deep to this topic, I feel greatly worried each time I reflect on the worsening level of care children receive in Nigeria, whether from care givers, guardians or parents themselves; quite frankly this prevailing situation if not nipped in the bud would affect the nation’s future development. Whilst I am not trying to gaslight anyone or to engage in any showmanship, I truly agree with the fact that poor parenting is a global pandemic, stakeholders in Nigeria will need to raise the bar of showing responsibility in closing these devastating gaps. The future of the children must never be compromised no matter what.
Also from my little research, over 210 million children are already rendered orphans globally, Nigeria and other countries across Sub-Saharan Africa make up the larger percentage of this dreadful figure. Similarly, the nation’s growing endemic poverty, HIV and AIDS, armed conflicts, child trafficking, natural disasters, financial crises, and family breakdown are compounding children’s potential to develop and contribute meaningfully to the society.
The current situation has also painfully increased the burden of crime and other social vices, which are already spreading across the country like wild fire, impacting negatively on the development of the communities affected by it, as it continues to wreck and traumatize individuals, families and households, affecting their physical, social, psychological and economic wellbeing. Inspite of these challenges, families must never neglect their parental duties and responsibilities.
Interestingly however, this huge challenges were part of what the administration of President Bola Ahmed Tinubu set out to give priority to, which was apltly captured in the policy document on whose strength the 2023 presidential campaign was based on. However, while government is making efforts to address critical issues affecting children and their socio-economic well-being, there is need for collaboration with private bodies, NGOs, religious bodies, traditional institutions, teachers, etc to change the narrative as quickly as possible so that there could be total and quick departure from where we currently are.
Back to the subject matter again, What is bad parenting? There are some things that are generally considered “bad” by anyone. Physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse are the most serious and damaging behavioral traits that most of us equate with bad parenting. These are things that should be immediately addressed with professional help. But beyond child abuse and neglect, there are also things that parents may do or say that can, even unintentionally, lead to adverse outcomes for a child.
Parents should imbibe the culture of labeling the behavior, not the child! If parents want to ‘label,’ they should make sure that they’re labeling behavior, not character. For example, when a child is acting out, remind them that it’s the behavior of a bully, rather than saying, “You ARE a bully.”
Unlike parents who enforce little or no discipline, parents who practice strict or rigid discipline do not allow their child to explore their world, which often leads to a child who becomes fearful and anxious or rebellious. Ignoring a child is telling them that your love is conditional. Withdrawing affection because a child does not do what they are told causes similar harm. These types of behaviors can cause a child to have low self-esteem and low confidence, which can result in a child not expressing their wants and needs. This can lead to co-dependency, in which the child will adapt to how they feel a person wants them to act. Many times, this can develop a child that feels insecure, needy and aggressive in their relationships.
Moreover, whether in public or private, children who are continually shamed can develop issues with perfection and a fear of failure. This can lead to depression or anxiety. Children without positive parenting are more at risk for their own relationship troubles, depression, anxiety, and aggression, among other negative outcomes. That time you yelled at your toddler for breaking your favorite coffee mug is not the same as a consistent pattern of criticism or physical violence.
Negative self-perception. A parenting misstep that can have lasting consequences is the overuse of negative labels and shaming. Consistent use of negative labels such as name-calling deeply impacts a child’s sense of self and contributes to long-standing negative self-narratives and self-fulfilling prophecies. Shame, is a powerful and paralyzing emotion that becomes deeply embedded in the psyche and sense of self. Given its strength, many people, including parents, engender it to deter negative behavior or motivate positive behaviors.
However, when shaming and negative labeling become a common tactic, children then begin to internalize and embody these negative messages.
They learn to speak to themselves the way they have been spoken to perpetuating negative feelings and becoming harshly self-critical. Long term, people with negative self-perceptions often seek relationships that will reinforce the messages they’re accustomed to hearing.
Children who experience overly rigid or strict discipline can have issues with control of others, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other anxious behaviors, together with the mindset that the world is dangerous. On the other end of the spectrum is the rebellious child who fights with their parents, breaks the rules, and engages in negative behaviors.
Life is somewhat messy, so let your children explore being creative and making subconscious and not deliberate mistakes, without shaming or criticizing. When they make a mistake, ask your child, ”is there anything you could have done instead?”
Use your own mistakes as an opportunity to show them that learning never stops, and that we can all have our bad days without walking on eggshells or breaking the rules. Admitting when you’ve made a mistake, apologizing, and trying to improve is good for everyone, with this we can produce confident, positively-resilient, trustworthy, happy, compassionate and productive individuals and ultimately a healthy and successful society.
● Olokode-Ayelabola, a resident of Ireland, is the Chairperson/Convener of Asiwaju 4 Renewed Hope ’23. She writes via kemiayelabola@gmail.com
